Brahmacharya

Hey folks.

I realize I am a little bit late with my Brahmacharya post. I have been travelling and also perhaps avoiding writing on this topic. Or, rather, I have been a little unclear about what to write on with regards to this chapter. I still am a little bit. But I'm just going to write anyway, and see what comes out.

Ah, now you're itching to hear what the sutra is. Here ya go.

brahmacaryapratisthayam viryalabhah 

brahmacarya continence, chastity
pratisthayam well established
virya energy, vigour, potency, valour
labhah gained, obtained, acquired

When the sadhaka is firmly established in continence, knowledge, vigour, valour and energy flow to him. 

I would very much like to have "Let's Get It On" playing in the background of this blog post. It's actually oddly appropriate, now that I think of it.

Continence in this context refers to self-restraint of sexual activity, rather than controlling your bowels, just to clarify.

Ok, now that we've lightened the room up a bit, let's get serious and discuss Brahmacharya.

Traditionally, sexual energy and spiritual energy go hand-in-hand, and are arguably considered the same thing. As Iyengar states in his interpretation of Brahmacharya,

"The celibate transforms the energy of procreation into spiritual energy (ojas), creating lustre...Sexual energy is the most basic expression of the life force. It is immensely powerful, and it is essential to control and channel it. In no way should we despise it. On the contrary, we must respect and esteem it..." 

First I should mention, as Iyengar also does in his interpretation, that this idea of Brahmacharya as sexual control is often misunderstood. The idea is not that we abstain from sex at all in our life, but that we cherish and esteem it. For myself, I am interpreting it as using it wisely. Putting it in the right place, so to speak. Traditionally, in yoga, men lose spiritual energy when they ejaculate, so must be intentional with where they choose to express their sexual energy. Women gain sexual energy upon orgasm (hooray for us), but I think the idea of controlling and channeling definitely still applies.

Personally, I want to be intentional with where I put my energy, in all aspects, not just sexually. This relates a lot to my last post, actually. I have a tendency to become overly excited about a project, and give it all my energy before I sit with it and fully put my intention into it, before I know its what I really want to do. And then I realize I've taken too many things on, or I realize I may have wanted to do this initially, but upon reflection it's not actually the best use of my time and skills. When I realized this pattern in myself, I came up with a plan. Every time I have a potentially life-altering idea, or just a significant change of plans, I will not do anything about it for a week and meditate with it. I've realized that I need to ground myself in these situations, to make sure it's really what I want to do. Not to overthink it or discourage my spontaneity, but to feel my feet on the earth and move with intention. To save my energy, so I can best use it. In a lot of ways, this is brahmacharya.

Ok, time to get really personal. Cue Marvin Gaye.

This idea of keeping my feet on the ground and staying present applies to sexuality and dating as well. Enormously. I have frequently gotten myself into a nasty pattern of finding someone attractive, and then letting my fantasies about them get out of hand. What happens after that is either I get hurt, because I was projecting my fantasies onto the situation and it doesn't go anywhere, since the other person doesn't feel the same way, or I get with the person, and I realize they are not the person I fantasized they were (surprise, surprise) and I freak out. Either one is not fun. The third option, which I am playing with now, is completely letting go of the fantasy. Fantasizing is fun. It's the Disney, Hollywood-inspired love story we all want. But it's not real life. So lately, if there's someone I find attractive, I pursue them, but let them go. Attempt to stay present with what's actually happening, rather than engage in a fantasy.

I'll point out here that engaging in negative self-talk, such as "they probably don't like me in that way", or "I'm not good enough, who I am kidding?", blah blah blah, is also engaging in fantasy. Fantasy is anything that is not clear and obvious with what is actually going on. Not feeding any theory or grand scheme that is either a projection of what we want or a fear of what we won't get. So engage not with fantasies about all the amazing things or worries about the horrible things.

We've all been young and made stupid, drunken decisions at parties. I am no exception to that rule. I have been in lots of situations that are the complete opposite of brahmacharya. But you have to find out what doesn't work in order to know what does, right? I look back at some of the decisions I made about sexuality, and realized they weren't really decisions. I wasn't acting on intention. I was acting out of fear of being alone. Fear of "this being my only chance."  Or I was just drunk and not thinking. I was acting on impulse, but not in a good way. I didn't feel grounded in myself when I made those decisions. I somehow work myself up into a state of immense insecurity, almost paranoia, where I don't feel solid enough in myself to say no when that's probably what I want to say. I don't have the courage to be alone in that moment.

So instead of trying to achieve "getting with the person" on a date with someone, release my expectations and just be in the moment. Get to know the person. No acting out of fear or fantasy.

This reminds me of the idea of true consent. Hmm, just to be safe, I should say this part may possibly be triggering. Yes, there is something to be said for being spontaneous and having a fun night. In my early twenties that would have been okay, or I would have been okay with not being okay for a couple days. Now, I don't think I would let myself do that, unless it was very unusual circumstances. It's not that I wouldn't let myself sleep with someone I just met, but I wouldn't let myself go ahead with it unless it was something I felt 110% good about. That's something I used to do in my early 20s that I simply won't do anymore. So what does it mean to truly consent to having sex with someone? It's one thing to just say the word yes and another to really mean it, to mean it with your whole body, mind, and soul. Consent is a topic that needs to be discussed more in our culture, from an early age. To me, brahmacharya and consent are more or less interchangeable. We need to be teaching our kids (and each other) what it means to say yes, to anything, sex or not. Are we doing it because we really want to, or because we think we should, or because it's better than being alone? What are our motivations? We need to really listen to these answers in ourselves before we make these decisions. Because there is nothing worse than the moments after making a decision that was based on fear, and realizing I didn't have the courage to say no.

So how will I control and channel my sexual energy? Or creative energy? Or just, simply, energy?

Keeping myself grounded, first of all. Keeping my feet on the earth. Checking in with my motivations. Disengaging with fantasy. Acting out of desire, not out of fear. Get to know the person first. Take things slowly. Save it. Notice my excitement, but don't act out of a projected fantasy. Release expectations and attachment. Be in the moment. Only give my energy to people and situations that give back to me.

Feel my energy, enjoy it, but check in with myself before I act on it or not.

To conclude, I want to leave you with my amazing and talented friends, West My Friend. They have a wonderful song which I think screams brahmacharya. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-20BmZxt7HI

Namaste.

-Elysia